Oh tiny Cactus. The only thing your little spines have managed to pierce today…. Is my heart.
So there I was, ready to take a shower. I mean, I was dirty, a little greasy, a shower was not such a horrible idea. People take showers, amiright? Of course!
I get naked.
I’m talking the exact opposite reason why you ever went to your grandmother’s house.
No cookies. Blatant nudity.
That’s how folks take showers these days, right? Well, I pull back the curtain…
And there it was.
This…thing…sitting on the little soap/shower/pube shelf. Not a care in the world, like it’s been there for years. “What the fuck is that?” I think to myself.
Now, what follows is the exact pattern of thought that took me from rational human being to Sloth in 3.4 seconds.
“Is that a Red Lobster cheesy biscuit? Holy fuck that’s a Red Lobster cheesy biscuit. OMG why would someone leave that unattended. Those things are so delicious. I’m gonna eat the fuck out of it. Man, I can’t wait to see whoever left it’s face when they come back to find that someone ate their cheesy biscuit’s fuck. Ohhh boy.”
Then my brain sent a message to my arm that said, “Reach for that cheesy biscuit, bitch. WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR!?”
As you must already know, we are all contractually bound to make a dickload of mistakes throughout our lifetime. Some of those mistakes are so big that they forever hinder our world and warrant entire chapters in our children’s history books. However, most mistakes have the dubious providence of merely haunting one’s soul and festering amidst the subconscious for always and eternity.
This was, nearly, one of those.
If my adjacency to failure could be measured, the only possible unit of measurement to appropriate it would be “baby condoms”. And no, I do not mean those horrendous papoose-like titty-cribs that the slovenly carriage their spawn around in in Wal-Mart, I mean condoms that a baby would wear.
My adjacency to failure was roughly 1 and a half Kiddie Trojans.
I’m not sure what stopped me, be it cosmic or supernatural, but it gave my brain just enough time to ask itself some rather important questions regarding this little tub treasure. Questions like:
“WHO, THE FUCK, WOULD LEAVE A CHEESY BISCUIT IN MY SHOWER?!”
And inquiries such as:
“AND WHY WERE YOU GOING TO EAT IT, MORON?!”
Seriously, was I so hungry that I would wantonly disobey all the integral conditioning and survival imprinting my parents bestowed upon me like the ever important, “Um, don’t eat that biscuit retard, you don’t know where it’s been or whose it is and also you found it in the shower.” in order to satisfy something so benign as a munchie?
That, I’m sorry to say, was pretty much my reality.
An early morning introspective psychological evaluation of a sad, hungry, naked man who almost ate a bar of soap.
OMG ITS BACK
This shit needs to be published.
This is going in the monologue section and I’m not even sorry.
humpback whales in their natural habitat before deforestation forced them into the sea
this is actually so cool
all I think of when I see this is “Not Again”
parents: “u should be more active”
IM LAUGHING SO HARD IM WATCHING THE SHOW MALL COPS AND IT REALLY DRAMATICALLY GOES “BUT NOT EVERYONE IS HERE TO SHOP” AND ZOOMS IN TO AKATSUKI COSPLAYERS IM PEEING
People who reblog positive, uplifting, feel-good, inspirational post just to talk about why its all bullshit and the world is a terrible dark place where everyone is alone and nothing gets better and success and happiness is impossible and suggesting most people are just ‘gonna kill themselves anyways’
cut that the fuck out
It fucking annoys me that most of the world seems to thin that you have t be cynical or pessimistic about life in order to be intelligent. Spreading that kind of thing doesn’t make the world any better it just make sthe good stuff seem worse.
Wait, everyone else met Pete the Peacock, right?
the sorting hat tho
A number one dad, ten out of ten, Dad of the year, gettin laid all year this year, best dad ever, you did it.
is it me or did the dad lose 200 pounds in 5 seconds
|—||a thought i had this morning driving to school (via poseysposey)|